Z's Story

This story is told from the perspective of our sister, Z. Her story is related to sexual abuse - molestation, incest and workplace sexual harassment, - secrecy and freedom. 

** If you are not comfortable with details of sexual encounters & terminology, please do not read this post. It is written with candor and honestly, and it could be troubling for sensitive readers. ** 

April, 2017

My story.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It is my secret, but by sharing my secret with others, I hope that they will know that they can survive.​ After all, I did!​

Mine starts at the age of 5.  That’s right… Some therapists say it is a memory or something that I have made up. ​NOT SO! Some people have had the same issues and keep them to themselves and when they do try to get help, they find that it is just too much to handle so they lock the key and put it away again.  

When I was 5, my sister and I​ would wait for the knock from the closet.  One specific knock was for me and another was for my sister.  We would wait patiently in our room for the knock. When it was my knock I would sneak into my two ​brothers’​room.  One brother was two years older and the other was about seven years older than me,​ I think.  I do not want to think about how much older he is because it brings so much anxiety that I still freeze. My older brother would be first and try to put himself inside of me. When I would cry, my younger brother would be taught how to do it and how to get ​ himself​​ hard. I would then have to perform oral sex with both brothers. ​A​t the end of each time I would get to pick out anything in their room to have for my own​... my reward. This goes on for several years.  We did not know that we were not suppose​d ​to be doing this.  We had to keep it a secret from our parents and older sister. We would get to drive the tractor if we did our things; we would get to ride the flat bed that dragged on the ground while picking up stones for the planting of the corn.  I do not have any memory of doing anything fun with our parents, so these were the fun times.

We were the barn kids that got up each morning and went out to feed the cows, clean the stalls, milk the cows. After that we had to go planting the corn and plow the hay. Sundays were the best because we got to take a bath and watch Walt Disney. When I was in the 3^rd grade, I remember one Sunday night when I was about to take my turn in the bath tub.  I had to pee and I started screaming in pain.  My parents took me to the doctor and found that I had a “kidney infection”.  It was not until I was an adult when I was diagnosed with a UTI that the memory came flooding back that I had my first UTI when I was in 3^rd grade.​ It was traumatic.

Still I would keep going back when the knock on my door came.  ​Sometimes my brother would have sex with the cows and make me watch. He told me that it was not painful. One time he tried to make me have sex with the dog.  My other brother brought his friend home and wanted me to have sex with him. This was the first time I saw a boy that was not circumcised.  ​I realize now the mind remembers strange things when trying not to focus on scary situations that we are in at the moment. That boy found me on FB not too long ago and I nearly passed out ​when the memory came rushing back. 

One time my brother made me smoke a cigarette and inhale all of it, then he took me to the hay loft and tried again to go all the way.  It hurt, but he finally was able to have intercourse with me on a regular basis. ​

Despite the regular abuse (that I did not realize was abuse at the time),​ I did have good times. My first grade teacher was my aunt. She had a toothbrush and washcloth for me to use every day. I would clean up so that I did not look like the kid that just came from the barn milking cows. 

​​More often, I spent a lot of time dreaming of getting away. I would go into the woods and stay there all day long. I found one place that I called rabbit hill.  It was my magical place - a hill was covered with the softest grass and a stone wall that looked very old. I would stay all day when I could. ​Another place I would go was an old road that I think was called the old church lot.  It was on our property, as​we had nearly 1,000 acres, so the places to go were endless.  The old church lot had trees that I could climb and just hid​e.  As long as I was in the house before dark I did not get into too much trouble. I tried to not ​get into trouble ​because that meant no dinner​ and ​since ​I  was gone all day I did not get lunch​, ​but I ​did eat apples and grapes from the land.  

When I was in the 4^th grade our house burned down. My father had put the wrong fuse in the box and our big house was destroyed.  We put up a single trailer in the yard and lived in that for 5 years. I guess things got tough because the farm was sold and my older brother went into the army at 17. Since he was not 18 he was not able to go into battle, so he spent time in Japan almost married a Japanese woman.  I was really mad​ at him at the time. ​Upon his return I was so excited to tell him that I had hair down there...​

When I got my first period I went to my mom because I did not know what to do.  She told my sister to take care of me. She took me to the bathroom and gave me this rubber belt thing and a pad. She also told me not to use hers and told me to ask mom to get me some. ​I didn't want to ask mom, and since I was so afraid of my sister I would find things from the barn to use as a pad. My job at the time was to iron all of my brother’s army clothes and keep them clean and starched.

The trailer that we were in had two​ bedrooms at one end of the house and two at the other end.  My older sister got to have her own room.  She was the perfect one.  The small ones were for me and my sister and the other was for my brothers.  The closet acted as a hallway from one room to the other.  So things started again.  I was starting to wonder if I was supposed to be doing this but no one was catching me ​ or telling me otherwise, so I was going along with it all.  

In 7^th grade my parents built a house and we moved into it and started a new school.  My older brother was told that he had to move to my uncle’s house that was on the other side of the USA.  He had gotten a girl pregnant and either the girl was pressing charges or my father did not want them to be together, so my brother had to leave. It did not stop when he left.  He had problems with rape there too.  He went to federal prison for raping his then-stepdaughter.  After getting out of prison he joined the circus and was living in his truck with a little person.  ​I am sad for him, but think to myself at least he had some one. 

​M​y other brother would practice with me for the times when he would have a date.  He would tell me that he needed to make sure that he was doing it right and not be doing it wrong with a real girl. 

At this point our parents were getting divorced after nearly 30​years of marriage.  My father got custody of us because our mother was having affairs with multiple partners, one of which was my dad’s best friend.  We did not have to go and visit her, he told us and the papers clearly showed.  So then I was with my father, brother and sister. 

I had tried to tell my parents that things were wrong but was told me to shut up and it was not happening.  ​I understood why after my mom was not at home anymore... ​My dad thought he would get into the action.  I had to go to his room and give him a rub every now and then just so that he was not so lonely.  

Finally I had a good turn into a turn in my life.  I got a baby sitting job ​for four girls who were so cute. I would go over to their house and help out, even when I did not have to babysit. I got along so well with the lady and I believe we became real friends.  I told her about my brother just to see how she would take it.  ​Would she still let me be in her family's life?

I also worked at the bar that​ a friend of our family owned. ​I did the grill cooking ​for the hamburgers ​ and liver and onion sandwiches during the clam bakes or chicken bakes.  There were hundreds of people that would come​and it made me feel so big that I was working a real job and getting paid.  I would get $15-20 dollars for the weekend​ as I was working from 6 am – 7 pm on Saturday and Sunday. I would buy cigarettes and candy for my sister​ and me.  

Next thing I knew my brother was being moved out to my uncle’s​ house, the​same as my other brother.​ I was sad because I was still thought that the things we were doing were OK. ​We never had adults to talk to,​ and our only source of knowledge was our brothers. I understood later why he was made to leave... After my brother left I told the lady that my father was making me rub him. ​My father was a sort of leader in the town and there was nobody really to tell to have anything done, so she let me spend as much time at her house as I wanted.  They had a porch and I would sleep there as much as I could.  My father moved on and found a woman who he married and brought four of her seven children to our house. Things changed for me a lot. I no longer was able to use the car. If I needed a ride to or from work I would have to pay my step sisters money to put gas in the car. Sometimes I would have to walk to the other side of town before they would come get me, which was about 5 miles​ and we lived 15 miles from the city. My father would never come to get me.  I guess at this point he did not like me for what I had done by turning in my brothers. ​I believed it was my fault they were moved away from our family.

At some point, the lady that I was babysitting for had​ asked the priest if he would school me so that I could become Catholic. I would go to his office every Tuesday after school. I would then walk to where my older sister worked and she would reluctantly give me a ride home. I loved this priest because he was so kind.  I am not sure how much I learned, but it was such a peaceful place to be and ​ I felt so safe.  After some time he asked if I wanted to take the next step and be confirmed. 

The lady’s mother that I babysat for had a very large house and at one time in the old days her house was used as the local country church where the farmers could go to mass and the priest would come to the country for them.  ​The Father​ who was teaching me​ came out to the house and I had my first confession, first communion and was confirmed. My father came and was not nice about any of it because he was​ Protestant. All he could say was that he put lots of work in that church and there were a lot of Protestant stones in that Catholic Church. ​I was finally starting to learn that I would never make him happy and I needed to start a different life away from him. 

​I was so thankful and grew to love the lady’s mother.  I would spend hours and hours at her house.  I would ride my bike 5 miles to her house and just sit with her. We would make mittens for all her grandkids. She taught me to make mittens, hats and afghans for the church bazaar. I would say the rosary with her several times a day. Then I would ride my bike back home before it got too​dark.  My mom was not there anymore so I would not get in trouble. ​It was only my younger sister there ​with me, and Dad was spending all his time with his new family. They were all drunks and that was what he wanted. He was only happy when he was drinking with them.  

The guy across the road was 4 years older than me and started coming over when I babysat. ​With me not knowing that sex was wrong, I just went along with it​ when he initiated a sexual relationship. At this time many girls got pregnant at school and I did not want to get pregnant. I told the lady that I was having really bad cramps during my cycle so she took me to the doctor, who put me on the pill to help with the cramps. I was glad that I could keep my secret. 

I got engaged at 16 and all my father said was that I had to give back the ring when we broke up. The lady’s mother in law really liked me.  She said I could come and live in the nearby big city to go to school and live with them. I was so happy that I told my fiancé, and he got so mad and drove out of the driveway throwing stones in my face.  He told me that I was not going anywhere and that we were going to get married and that I would take care of the home and have babies. That was enough for me to hear and I gave him back the ring. ​Turned out that Dad was right, but he still was not talking to me.  ​I spent a lot of time contemplating what I could do to get him to at least talk to me.

I graduated from high school close to the bottom of my class, but I went to a trade school and learned my skill. There were no jobs with my skill​locally. I worked at the grocery store for​a few years during high school, and after graduation a large department store opened and I applied for a full time job.  I got the job as the cook and I liked it a lot, but when Dad would come in he would ask the waitress for three eggs over easy.  I found out that if I was not there he would not ask for eggs.​ I am not sure what that meant, but it stuck with me. I was the master at cooking.  ​I enjoyed so much being a short order cook and I thought that someday I would start my own place. ​ I laugh now when I think back.

​With that job, I had enough money to get a car with small monthly payments.  I asked my dad to cosign for me, but he said no.  Thankfully my brother-in-law said yes. I got a nice car, but it didn't have air conditioning and only AM radio.  It was enough for me, though! ​It was around this time my step sister got pregnant and I was kicked out. I ​slept in my car for a few nights and ​then slept at the ​lady's house ​that I babysat for ​a few ​more ​and her mother’s for a few​ more after that​. One of the lady’s brothers found me a room for $50 per month​ just so that I could sleep. I stayed there for about a year.

The ​lady that I ​was still babysitting for ​told me that they are moving to Texas​, which made me so depressed because I did not know what I would do​.  I was spending more and more time with ​the lady's mother, which annoyed​the person that I was renting the room from. Later she asked me to leave because I was supposed to be at her house to keep her company. That sent me back to living in the car and spending time with the lady's mother and staying with her as much as I can.

The lady’s husband sent me a letter letting me know that if I wanted to come to Texas with them I could. WOW! I had nothing to bring with me but my car, so we packed up all​ of​ their things and drove to Texas. I lived with the lady ​for a year ​or so, just​ until I could get enough money to get my own apartment. I had to get clothes for working and save money for furniture. I was so happy.  

I got my first Texas job doing the trade that I learned in high school making $700 per month. That was a lot of money for me, but the lady suggested that I look for a new job to make more money.  I found a job in a popular industry​locally ​for $800 per month. I loved this job for lots of reasons, but the people were nice and I was learning new jobs ​-​ not just my trade. After about 2 years at this job I got my own office that they created out ​of an existing wall/closet.  It was little,​ but the noise from the computer was so loud, so it was a good idea.

The VP had to give up part of his closet for me to have this space, which was when he asked me to help his son learn the computer. So I went to his house and taught his son some of the computer stuff. The kid was smart so I did not know why I was there. It didn't make sense to me. But I was invited back for dinner as a thank you. I went​and the VP was the only one there. ​I realize now that I was still the stupid kid that did not know that I should turn around and run.

He molested me.  

I tried to tell my boss but there were no laws at that time against sexual harassment.  This industry was mostly men​ and there was no protection against this stuff.  

I had endured enough. ​I made life changes. I joined the choir at church.  I submerged myself in anything I could. I taught CCE for several years. I was the choir secretary, I was in charge of the booth at the bazaar. I could not be still. I was trying so hard to find friends. There were so many people that were nice to me and all I could think was that they had no idea what kind of person I was. But life moved on for me. I met and married my husband. I had two wonderful children. I moved to a job and love the industry I work in now. It's not all men. It took decades for me to share my story, but when I saw someone I know hurting, I shared it with her. And now I have shared it again. I hope and pray that it helps someone else. 

Through the years, Z has been to numerous counselors and tried various types of therapy.  She immersed herself in the Catholic church and found strength and hope in her faith. She kept her secret close and tight for many years, feeling shame and unworthiness and embarrassment. Through sharing her story, she has felt a release and freedom that she did not know would come. ​Writing the story brought back many emotions and was overwhelming at times, which made the process take weeks. She says it was worth it, but will go back to counseling for a while to help get her emotions back to a stable level.