Why am I adding an addendum? Well, because after re-reading my post a couple days later I realized I told a story but left out the emotion. I suppose there was some emotion tied into certain points, but the idea of this blog - helping others know they are not alone - requires digging in and getting to the hard stuff... the part I tend to glaze over and "under think," if there is such a phrase. That tendency is related to my strong ability and desire to live in denial land when things aren't going as I would like, and I am working hard to get out of that place for now and the future. Life will always have difficulties. I have a friend through the support group I have recently joined and she says she really needs the group "when life gets lifey." I like that phrase, because we all have lifey times, and I am learning how best to handle life when it gets lifey through various resources, but the commonality in all these is that it must be handled. Faced. Dealt with in some form or fashion. Acknowledged, at the very least. Like it or not. And living in denial land doesn't allow for that. So, I am working on it... and acknowledging the emotions that come with all that.
Back to the beginning of my story... married at 19 to a 34 year old. Why? I guess it was because I wanted to be an adult; I was ready to take on the world and all it had to throw at me. Now, 40, I look back and think how ridiculous that was. I can't think back to the emotions that were tied to that, honestly, other than that feeling of invincible and ready to live happily ever after. That all changed when I found out I was pregnant a month after we returned from our honeymoon. Oops. Real life hit hard. And, of course, I wouldn't change a thing about it now, but at the moment I was slapped in the face with reality and cried for three days. I changed my mindset, decided life would be OK, despite the rather large change of plans, and worked on getting excited. It didn't take long for the excitement to set in. I am pretty sure as soon as I told my mom everything changed and I was happy. Funny how that happens, huh? Those moms are keepers. Anyway, fast forward through an easy pregnancy. About a month after Savannah came along, we moved out of an apartment and into a house. And in moved Robert, my step-son, 12 years old at the time. And then I went back to work when she was 7 weeks old, and changed jobs when she was about 3 months old. During training for that new job I got a phone call at the office that changed my already-ever-changing world... I knew he was having an affair. At a very immature 20 years old I had no idea how to handle it. Drama initiated. I was a mess - a hormonal, sleep-deprived, new mommy to two - just found out their father is cheating on me, mess. There was crying and yelling and more crying and moving in and out of my parent's house, making him move in and out of the other woman's house (did I mention she was married with kids and new baby of her own?) over and over about the next two and a half years. I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, terrified, angry, sad, resentful, and a whole other host of emotions, depending on the day of the week. Emotions ran high and didn't stop until the drama stopped when she found someone new and dropped him. A couple different counselors later and life settled down a bit. I was still angry & resentful, and bitterness was growing inside me. I was not ready to forgive him, but I was OK forgetting for a while to help keep the kids stable. Move a few years ahead to the second affair that I found out about and it was a similar story. Embarrassment, humiliation, anger, sadness, inability to understand why this was happening again... Enough that I went to my doctor and began to take anti-depressants. I was gaining weight, coping through food, and disengaged from most friends and often family, too. I was working as much as I could, happy to be away from the house and feeling productive. I was involved in everything Savannah was interested in and would escape every night of the week if I could. Denial-land. This was similar to the first, where kids and her husband were also involved and drama was again at the forefront of my life. I became a little more resentful every day and we spoke less and less. I do not remember if he left or if I left this time; it's really all a blur. But I do remember the complete disconnection from most of the world. I spent time with my daughter or alone if I wasn't at work. I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I was going through the same turmoil that I went through at the start of our marriage, and even more embarrassed to admit that I was still staying, in spite of it. I did not want to end up a statistic: married and pregnant as a teenager always leads to divorce. I was not having it. So I stayed. Move into meth days... Volatile, paranoid, angry days. I was confused, afraid, and felt like I had nobody to talk to. Especially once I found out for sure it was drugs and he was arrested. I have some amazing women in my life and I could not have made it through this without such wonderful friends and family. Guess what emotions came back? Yep, embarrassment, humiliation, disbelief and that ever-growing loneliness from trying to keep the world out of my chaotic life. It wasn't until two years after we were divorced that I really began dealing with my emotions and the toll all those years took on my heart. I am so thankful for DivorceCare and my friend who did not believe me when I told her, "Nah, I'm good." She was persistent and knew I wasn't so good. I was still bitter, angry and resentful. I was sad for what might have been, but not for missing him. It's funny how that worked out. I finally dealt with lots of emotion I had tucked away and had made my heart as hard as stone in many ways. I was not open to dating much, and falling in love? Well, that was never going to happen. Until it did. It wasn't too terribly long after I had completed the DivorceCare program that this crazy man I am married to now came into the picture. I was still a piece of work, and he had to chase me for a while (Uh... I moved to India at one point!) and convince me there was a different way to live and really be happy. I had begun going to church again and recommitted my life to Jesus. I was a changed person and it was good. After enough convincing and getting remarried, the issues with my daughter surfaced hard and fast, and those are what I have spent the most recent days and months dealing with. It took some time to realize I could not live in Denial-land again and really think things would be OK. It also took some time to realize I could not and cannot make decisions for her. It also took some time to admit I needed help again and sought a counselor and support group. After months of crying all the time and hiding in the house, I began to venture out again and regain control of my own life, realizing I could not change hers for her. Though I still struggle with "what ifs" and "if onlys" every now and then, I have learned tools for combatting those negative thoughts and bringing peace during difficult times. You know, when life gets lifey. Lots of emotions with this issue as well, and I realized I was in a victim mentality: I had to go to this dumb support group. Why did this happen to my life? What did I do to cause my daughter to make this choice? Through the help of the counselor and the 12 step program I was able to shed that mindset and move into a better place. There are still bad moments, but they are fewer and farther between, and when they do pop up, I am much better equipped to deal with them. And deal with them, I do. I am learning to recognize my emotions and face them head-on as I move into this chapter of my life. I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person for it. I know we all have struggles and we all need support at some time in our life. I hope my story has shown you that you are not alone, and there is help out there for anything and everything you might be going through. All you need to do is ask, difficult as it may seem. I promise you someone out there is willing to help. Much love.
Back to the beginning of my story... married at 19 to a 34 year old. Why? I guess it was because I wanted to be an adult; I was ready to take on the world and all it had to throw at me. Now, 40, I look back and think how ridiculous that was. I can't think back to the emotions that were tied to that, honestly, other than that feeling of invincible and ready to live happily ever after. That all changed when I found out I was pregnant a month after we returned from our honeymoon. Oops. Real life hit hard. And, of course, I wouldn't change a thing about it now, but at the moment I was slapped in the face with reality and cried for three days. I changed my mindset, decided life would be OK, despite the rather large change of plans, and worked on getting excited. It didn't take long for the excitement to set in. I am pretty sure as soon as I told my mom everything changed and I was happy. Funny how that happens, huh? Those moms are keepers. Anyway, fast forward through an easy pregnancy. About a month after Savannah came along, we moved out of an apartment and into a house. And in moved Robert, my step-son, 12 years old at the time. And then I went back to work when she was 7 weeks old, and changed jobs when she was about 3 months old. During training for that new job I got a phone call at the office that changed my already-ever-changing world... I knew he was having an affair. At a very immature 20 years old I had no idea how to handle it. Drama initiated. I was a mess - a hormonal, sleep-deprived, new mommy to two - just found out their father is cheating on me, mess. There was crying and yelling and more crying and moving in and out of my parent's house, making him move in and out of the other woman's house (did I mention she was married with kids and new baby of her own?) over and over about the next two and a half years. I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, terrified, angry, sad, resentful, and a whole other host of emotions, depending on the day of the week. Emotions ran high and didn't stop until the drama stopped when she found someone new and dropped him. A couple different counselors later and life settled down a bit. I was still angry & resentful, and bitterness was growing inside me. I was not ready to forgive him, but I was OK forgetting for a while to help keep the kids stable. Move a few years ahead to the second affair that I found out about and it was a similar story. Embarrassment, humiliation, anger, sadness, inability to understand why this was happening again... Enough that I went to my doctor and began to take anti-depressants. I was gaining weight, coping through food, and disengaged from most friends and often family, too. I was working as much as I could, happy to be away from the house and feeling productive. I was involved in everything Savannah was interested in and would escape every night of the week if I could. Denial-land. This was similar to the first, where kids and her husband were also involved and drama was again at the forefront of my life. I became a little more resentful every day and we spoke less and less. I do not remember if he left or if I left this time; it's really all a blur. But I do remember the complete disconnection from most of the world. I spent time with my daughter or alone if I wasn't at work. I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I was going through the same turmoil that I went through at the start of our marriage, and even more embarrassed to admit that I was still staying, in spite of it. I did not want to end up a statistic: married and pregnant as a teenager always leads to divorce. I was not having it. So I stayed. Move into meth days... Volatile, paranoid, angry days. I was confused, afraid, and felt like I had nobody to talk to. Especially once I found out for sure it was drugs and he was arrested. I have some amazing women in my life and I could not have made it through this without such wonderful friends and family. Guess what emotions came back? Yep, embarrassment, humiliation, disbelief and that ever-growing loneliness from trying to keep the world out of my chaotic life. It wasn't until two years after we were divorced that I really began dealing with my emotions and the toll all those years took on my heart. I am so thankful for DivorceCare and my friend who did not believe me when I told her, "Nah, I'm good." She was persistent and knew I wasn't so good. I was still bitter, angry and resentful. I was sad for what might have been, but not for missing him. It's funny how that worked out. I finally dealt with lots of emotion I had tucked away and had made my heart as hard as stone in many ways. I was not open to dating much, and falling in love? Well, that was never going to happen. Until it did. It wasn't too terribly long after I had completed the DivorceCare program that this crazy man I am married to now came into the picture. I was still a piece of work, and he had to chase me for a while (Uh... I moved to India at one point!) and convince me there was a different way to live and really be happy. I had begun going to church again and recommitted my life to Jesus. I was a changed person and it was good. After enough convincing and getting remarried, the issues with my daughter surfaced hard and fast, and those are what I have spent the most recent days and months dealing with. It took some time to realize I could not live in Denial-land again and really think things would be OK. It also took some time to realize I could not and cannot make decisions for her. It also took some time to admit I needed help again and sought a counselor and support group. After months of crying all the time and hiding in the house, I began to venture out again and regain control of my own life, realizing I could not change hers for her. Though I still struggle with "what ifs" and "if onlys" every now and then, I have learned tools for combatting those negative thoughts and bringing peace during difficult times. You know, when life gets lifey. Lots of emotions with this issue as well, and I realized I was in a victim mentality: I had to go to this dumb support group. Why did this happen to my life? What did I do to cause my daughter to make this choice? Through the help of the counselor and the 12 step program I was able to shed that mindset and move into a better place. There are still bad moments, but they are fewer and farther between, and when they do pop up, I am much better equipped to deal with them. And deal with them, I do. I am learning to recognize my emotions and face them head-on as I move into this chapter of my life. I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person for it. I know we all have struggles and we all need support at some time in our life. I hope my story has shown you that you are not alone, and there is help out there for anything and everything you might be going through. All you need to do is ask, difficult as it may seem. I promise you someone out there is willing to help. Much love.
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