This story is told from the perspective of N. It is related to infidelity, drug addiction, blended family struggles, divorce and recovery.
We were married when I was 19 and he was 34. We got pregnant on the honeymoon, not exactly waiting until I finished school like I planned... He was cheating by the time I was giving birth 9 months later. And continued for a few years and then cooled off for a bit, or at least didn't get caught. The wedding, then the baby, then his son moving in with us, oh, and the new house and my new job, all those things took time and attention away from him, so he had to find it elsewhere. Lots of drama during that time. I was young, raising two children and working. I couldn't break up the family, but I sure did get resentful and bitter. And the poor kids, in my effort to save the family, sure did have to hear a lot and probably see a lot, too. Fighting, yelling, arguing, crying. There were some good times, I will admit, some fun memories, trips and such. Highlights. The day to day was awful. Neither of us wanted to be around the other, but I stayed for the kids and he stayed because it was convenient. A few years later another "other woman" came into the picture. Drama returned to my life. It was like a soap opera, it was so ridiculous. My step-son had moved out by this time, but my daughter got to witness all the drama first-hand at an age when she could remember. Rewind to fighting, yelling, arguing, crying. Increase the level of anger and bitterness growing inside of me. Our home was not a fun place to be. I poured myself into work, volunteering to work overtime any opportunity that came along. He started helping a friend with side jobs of carpentry and handy-man gigs. A lot. And worked a lot of extra hours, but we never had extra money. And then he was working less at his day job and bringing home less each week from there, but always gone and working. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. Bills were stacking up and I couldn't seem to make ends meet anymore... when I asked him about it, he said he spent the money on scratch-off lottery tickets, cigarettes, lost it - a different excuse every week. He was volatile, with emotions running high, always out in the garage if he wasn't working, and paranoid. I was so confused... until one day. I walked into the hall bathroom and his small tackle bag from his fishing gear was there. Inside it was a spoon, a baggie and a small scale. What in the world could this be for? I walked out to the garage to ask him what it was for and he lost his mind on me - screaming, yelling, grabbing it out of my hands and threatening me to quit spying on him and interfering with his life. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't good. Was my husband using drugs? What 40+ year old man just starts using drugs? That didn't even make sense. But a few days later, in the living room, a baggie fell out of the pocket of his button down flannel shirt. White powder... and it seemed like a lot of it. He had left the house and the shirt was laying on the floor. When I was putting it up, there it was, right in front of me. I had a friend stay with my daughter while I went to the police station. I made up a story about how a friend of his left it at our house and I wanted to know what it was. The look on that cop's face told me he read right through me (I never have been able to lie very well...) but he said there's no way that amount was real drugs that someone just left laying around, but he would test it and come back in 15 minutes. When he came around the corner after the time ticked slower than I can remember in a long time, he looked a lot more serious and had a list of questions for me. Turned out, that little baggie I brought in was the most recent form of meth being brought in from the Mexican cartel - very potent, very deadly and very expensive. He was worried for my safety when whoever was looking for their bag found out it was gone. I went home, shaken and more confused than ever. Really - what 40+ year old man decides he is going to start using METH and brings it in the home with his wife and child? And, I guess, sells it from the same home? Drama ensues. I have to leave, it's not safe, so my daughter and I go stay with family. Husband tears the house apart, goes crazy that I've found it and given it to the police. Then he wants to go to treatment because he as a problem. Two days later, he wants out of treatment because there's no problem. I stay with family. Less than a week later, he's arrested for that little problem and I won't get him out of jail. His daughter thinks he's working out of town. His mother bails him out. We are back in the house, but he swears he is clean. What do I do? How did this happen? He has to go back in a few weeks for a court date and never comes home. He tested positive for drugs and went to jail. This time nobody bailed him out... He sat in there for months. I was a dutiful wife and tried to support him once he decided he would join a drug rehab program. It was for the best, after all. He spent our 10 year wedding anniversary and his 44th birthday in jail. When he got out, I tried to be supportive while he went to NA meetings and drug court appointments. He did well. He got sober and didn't use anymore. He was unemployed and did little to contribute to the household. It was too much. The damage to our marriage was far beyond repair. After about nine months of his treatment and when he was nearly graduating the program the court ordered for him, our 11 year anniversary rolled around. Neither one of us acknowledged it. I filed for divorce one week later. It was ugly, he was shocked, wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't contribute to bills or mortgage. He planted himself on the couch and would not leave, despite me asking nicely and then yelling not so nicely for about a month. I then paid to have him served since he would not sign the papers I filed. He still would not leave and I was beside myself on how to handle the situation. I knew I could not afford an attorney, but my sanity could not afford him being in the home anymore. I borrowed money from my parents, and the week I was ready to meet an attorney, he left. He had graduated from his program and left without telling his daughter goodbye and only taking a few of his personal belongings. It was a relief and a catastrophe at the same time. He was gone! And then, he was gone. My daughter was devastated. He didn't call for a few weeks, and when he did, he told her he had moved to his mom's (about 6 hours away) and would see her soon. He was angry and bitter with me. I guess I can't blame him, but I was so busy dealing with my daughter's emotions that I didn't have too much time to think about it. I also liked to live in a little place called Denial-land, and didn't deal with my own emotions very often. We officially divorced after a mediation where I gave up a huge amount of my 401K so I could keep the house to minimize disruption for my daughter's life. I also took on ALL the debt (we had a lot due to his unemployment and knack for spending) and let him keep the truck that was in my name, though he was required to take over payments. I reminded myself it was only money and it was time to move on. I also thought the favorable agreement for him would make things easier and we could be amicable, which was best for our child. Boy, was I wrong! It took me a while, but I finally realized that no matter what I did, said or gave up, I was always going to be the witch of the situation. After a couple years, I owned being the witch, because if he was going to call me one, I might as well be one, right? Well, a few years later and I've learned it is really not worth it. And, actually, since he left the area again (yes, he moved back and forth a few times), it's been nice and peaceful. My daughter had him in her life mostly regularly until she was about 12, and then he was in and out, mostly out. He continues to be mostly out. I understand he's still not a drug user, but do hear there are other addictions he's battling. I went to counseling after the divorce but stayed pretty angry and bitter with men for a while. A couple years later, a friend was going to something called DivorceCare after her world was shattered by her husband's affair - he reunited with his high school sweetheart and left her after many of what she thought were happy years of marriage. DivorceCare changed my life. Honestly. I reconnected with God and found a peace in forgiveness. It was freeing and joyful and I can't tell you how many people asked me what changed... I had changed! It was great. Shortly after that I met the man that I am so proud to call my husband and we are truly happy. I never knew what a healthy and loving relationship looked like, and it's amazing. We laugh and travel and enjoy each other's company more than I ever thought possible. We support each other and cheer each other on to be successful in life. Oh, and we're drama-free, for the most part. Did I mention it's amazing?
And my daughter? Well, she's almost 20 now and she's got some demons. Addiction is a disease and is also hereditary. I attend a 12-step program for people who have an addicted loved one. I never dealt with the disease that ultimately ended my unhealthy first marriage. Well, I don't know if it was the disease of addiction, or my apathy to the relationship and situation anymore, but, either way - I never dealt with how his addiction impacted and affected me. And when I learned my daughter was a drug user, it was more than I could bear. My reactions - physical, emotional, mental - were not healthy for me or my current marriage. I put our family's plans at risk and struggled in many areas of my life. I had to get a hold of things. I am thankful for a wonderful counselor and the 12-step program and the people that I have met through this journey. Several months into the program I have tools to cope with various situations, friends to call and meet any time I need or want, and an understanding that God has control of it all. I wish I had known about this resource 11 years ago when my life was first touched very directly with addiction, but I am thankful I found it now. I am not alone in my struggle. I did not cause my daughter's addiction. I cannot control my daughter's addiction or choices. And I cannot cure it for her. I pray for her every day. I love her and miss her, but know that only when she is ready to face her demons will she overcome them. And, sadly, I also know she may never do that. It breaks my heart in a way I don't even understand, but I cling to hope and have peace and joy, despite the sadness of the situation.
If you love someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, please realize there is help for you. Yes, you... you probably do not even realize how much you are hurting and how out of control your own life is. There are resources and counselors and group meetings that will walk this journey with you. You are not alone. I still cling to Jeremiah 29:11 and I know His plan is more amazing than anything I could ever dream of. I am not alone.
We were married when I was 19 and he was 34. We got pregnant on the honeymoon, not exactly waiting until I finished school like I planned... He was cheating by the time I was giving birth 9 months later. And continued for a few years and then cooled off for a bit, or at least didn't get caught. The wedding, then the baby, then his son moving in with us, oh, and the new house and my new job, all those things took time and attention away from him, so he had to find it elsewhere. Lots of drama during that time. I was young, raising two children and working. I couldn't break up the family, but I sure did get resentful and bitter. And the poor kids, in my effort to save the family, sure did have to hear a lot and probably see a lot, too. Fighting, yelling, arguing, crying. There were some good times, I will admit, some fun memories, trips and such. Highlights. The day to day was awful. Neither of us wanted to be around the other, but I stayed for the kids and he stayed because it was convenient. A few years later another "other woman" came into the picture. Drama returned to my life. It was like a soap opera, it was so ridiculous. My step-son had moved out by this time, but my daughter got to witness all the drama first-hand at an age when she could remember. Rewind to fighting, yelling, arguing, crying. Increase the level of anger and bitterness growing inside of me. Our home was not a fun place to be. I poured myself into work, volunteering to work overtime any opportunity that came along. He started helping a friend with side jobs of carpentry and handy-man gigs. A lot. And worked a lot of extra hours, but we never had extra money. And then he was working less at his day job and bringing home less each week from there, but always gone and working. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. Bills were stacking up and I couldn't seem to make ends meet anymore... when I asked him about it, he said he spent the money on scratch-off lottery tickets, cigarettes, lost it - a different excuse every week. He was volatile, with emotions running high, always out in the garage if he wasn't working, and paranoid. I was so confused... until one day. I walked into the hall bathroom and his small tackle bag from his fishing gear was there. Inside it was a spoon, a baggie and a small scale. What in the world could this be for? I walked out to the garage to ask him what it was for and he lost his mind on me - screaming, yelling, grabbing it out of my hands and threatening me to quit spying on him and interfering with his life. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't good. Was my husband using drugs? What 40+ year old man just starts using drugs? That didn't even make sense. But a few days later, in the living room, a baggie fell out of the pocket of his button down flannel shirt. White powder... and it seemed like a lot of it. He had left the house and the shirt was laying on the floor. When I was putting it up, there it was, right in front of me. I had a friend stay with my daughter while I went to the police station. I made up a story about how a friend of his left it at our house and I wanted to know what it was. The look on that cop's face told me he read right through me (I never have been able to lie very well...) but he said there's no way that amount was real drugs that someone just left laying around, but he would test it and come back in 15 minutes. When he came around the corner after the time ticked slower than I can remember in a long time, he looked a lot more serious and had a list of questions for me. Turned out, that little baggie I brought in was the most recent form of meth being brought in from the Mexican cartel - very potent, very deadly and very expensive. He was worried for my safety when whoever was looking for their bag found out it was gone. I went home, shaken and more confused than ever. Really - what 40+ year old man decides he is going to start using METH and brings it in the home with his wife and child? And, I guess, sells it from the same home? Drama ensues. I have to leave, it's not safe, so my daughter and I go stay with family. Husband tears the house apart, goes crazy that I've found it and given it to the police. Then he wants to go to treatment because he as a problem. Two days later, he wants out of treatment because there's no problem. I stay with family. Less than a week later, he's arrested for that little problem and I won't get him out of jail. His daughter thinks he's working out of town. His mother bails him out. We are back in the house, but he swears he is clean. What do I do? How did this happen? He has to go back in a few weeks for a court date and never comes home. He tested positive for drugs and went to jail. This time nobody bailed him out... He sat in there for months. I was a dutiful wife and tried to support him once he decided he would join a drug rehab program. It was for the best, after all. He spent our 10 year wedding anniversary and his 44th birthday in jail. When he got out, I tried to be supportive while he went to NA meetings and drug court appointments. He did well. He got sober and didn't use anymore. He was unemployed and did little to contribute to the household. It was too much. The damage to our marriage was far beyond repair. After about nine months of his treatment and when he was nearly graduating the program the court ordered for him, our 11 year anniversary rolled around. Neither one of us acknowledged it. I filed for divorce one week later. It was ugly, he was shocked, wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't contribute to bills or mortgage. He planted himself on the couch and would not leave, despite me asking nicely and then yelling not so nicely for about a month. I then paid to have him served since he would not sign the papers I filed. He still would not leave and I was beside myself on how to handle the situation. I knew I could not afford an attorney, but my sanity could not afford him being in the home anymore. I borrowed money from my parents, and the week I was ready to meet an attorney, he left. He had graduated from his program and left without telling his daughter goodbye and only taking a few of his personal belongings. It was a relief and a catastrophe at the same time. He was gone! And then, he was gone. My daughter was devastated. He didn't call for a few weeks, and when he did, he told her he had moved to his mom's (about 6 hours away) and would see her soon. He was angry and bitter with me. I guess I can't blame him, but I was so busy dealing with my daughter's emotions that I didn't have too much time to think about it. I also liked to live in a little place called Denial-land, and didn't deal with my own emotions very often. We officially divorced after a mediation where I gave up a huge amount of my 401K so I could keep the house to minimize disruption for my daughter's life. I also took on ALL the debt (we had a lot due to his unemployment and knack for spending) and let him keep the truck that was in my name, though he was required to take over payments. I reminded myself it was only money and it was time to move on. I also thought the favorable agreement for him would make things easier and we could be amicable, which was best for our child. Boy, was I wrong! It took me a while, but I finally realized that no matter what I did, said or gave up, I was always going to be the witch of the situation. After a couple years, I owned being the witch, because if he was going to call me one, I might as well be one, right? Well, a few years later and I've learned it is really not worth it. And, actually, since he left the area again (yes, he moved back and forth a few times), it's been nice and peaceful. My daughter had him in her life mostly regularly until she was about 12, and then he was in and out, mostly out. He continues to be mostly out. I understand he's still not a drug user, but do hear there are other addictions he's battling. I went to counseling after the divorce but stayed pretty angry and bitter with men for a while. A couple years later, a friend was going to something called DivorceCare after her world was shattered by her husband's affair - he reunited with his high school sweetheart and left her after many of what she thought were happy years of marriage. DivorceCare changed my life. Honestly. I reconnected with God and found a peace in forgiveness. It was freeing and joyful and I can't tell you how many people asked me what changed... I had changed! It was great. Shortly after that I met the man that I am so proud to call my husband and we are truly happy. I never knew what a healthy and loving relationship looked like, and it's amazing. We laugh and travel and enjoy each other's company more than I ever thought possible. We support each other and cheer each other on to be successful in life. Oh, and we're drama-free, for the most part. Did I mention it's amazing?
And my daughter? Well, she's almost 20 now and she's got some demons. Addiction is a disease and is also hereditary. I attend a 12-step program for people who have an addicted loved one. I never dealt with the disease that ultimately ended my unhealthy first marriage. Well, I don't know if it was the disease of addiction, or my apathy to the relationship and situation anymore, but, either way - I never dealt with how his addiction impacted and affected me. And when I learned my daughter was a drug user, it was more than I could bear. My reactions - physical, emotional, mental - were not healthy for me or my current marriage. I put our family's plans at risk and struggled in many areas of my life. I had to get a hold of things. I am thankful for a wonderful counselor and the 12-step program and the people that I have met through this journey. Several months into the program I have tools to cope with various situations, friends to call and meet any time I need or want, and an understanding that God has control of it all. I wish I had known about this resource 11 years ago when my life was first touched very directly with addiction, but I am thankful I found it now. I am not alone in my struggle. I did not cause my daughter's addiction. I cannot control my daughter's addiction or choices. And I cannot cure it for her. I pray for her every day. I love her and miss her, but know that only when she is ready to face her demons will she overcome them. And, sadly, I also know she may never do that. It breaks my heart in a way I don't even understand, but I cling to hope and have peace and joy, despite the sadness of the situation.
If you love someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, please realize there is help for you. Yes, you... you probably do not even realize how much you are hurting and how out of control your own life is. There are resources and counselors and group meetings that will walk this journey with you. You are not alone. I still cling to Jeremiah 29:11 and I know His plan is more amazing than anything I could ever dream of. I am not alone.
I have been blessed not to have this in my family however I have a friend I will for sure share this with.
ReplyDeletePraying for you N thank you for sharing
<3
DeleteIsn't it strange how we can never tell what is going on with another person? We need to know it's ok to share the not so great parts of our lives and support each other through those. I know you N. you are my sister. We are survivors.
ReplyDeleteIt is true - we have to get better at sharing!
Delete