R's Story

This story is told from the perspective of our sister, R.  It is related to infidelity, divorce, custody of her daughters and how she survived it all.

March, 2017

I don’t want to write this story.  I've told it, but I tell it to help people and it seems every time I try to write it I have to relive it, and even though I HAVE lived it and the past can’t hurt me anymore, I still cringe.  Oh well, as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but goodness I should be able to lift a car by now!!

I’ll give a brief synopsis:  I got married at 25 to a man 8 years my senior.  Good family, good job, ambitious, I loved him.  Familiar story, I gave up my dreams and plans to support his dreams and plans and that was fine at the time.  My choice.  We had two daughters. I worked in his law office, I took care of the girls, I did pretty much everything. 

When we were married 10 years and our youngest was three, all of a sudden (it seemed) he up and said he didn’t want to be my husband anymore and moved out to our second property.  I was shocked.  I talked to my Christian therapist and with the details I gave him he said it sounded like there was someone else.  No way, not after his first wife cheated on him, and he gave me so many speeches about the circle of trust etc.  (Yes, I think he got that from “Meet the Parent’s”)  So I logged onto the camera security system we had on that property and watched.  It was in real time so I was glued to it, pathetic I know.  In June I saw a car drive up, a girl get out, he came down the stairs to meet her, she did a little twirl, and they went back up the stairs together.  I called his mother and told her what was going on.  I called my neighbor to come watch my girls and I drove over there.  I knew where to park so I couldn’t be seen.  I walked up the stairs and sat on the porch where they couldn’t see me and watched as they had a lovely date.  After an hour I went in and confronted them and then left.  That affair lasted about 6 weeks, until July 2013.  She was 27.  He was 43. She had sold him his BMW.   We went to couples therapy, we had dates.  He said I was not attentive enough to him etc.  I “cleaned up my act” and checked in with him asking if I was meeting his needs.  He said yes.  All was well.

Fast forward to June 2014.  I intercepted emails between he and another woman.  She was also married.  The emails were not that sexy, but I recognized they were inappropriate in the sense that I wasn’t told about them, and they were getting to know each other in them.  I intercepted FB messages etc.  I held my silence.  When we were on vacation with our girls and my sister and niece I intercepted an email from her saying how handsome he was, luscious lips etc.  I confronted him.  He said yes, it had gotten out of hand but to give him time with it and he would get bored with it eventually.  So after a week of a lovely vacation (not) where he would sneak off by himself to talk to her, we came home and I said move out.  He did.  I lost 25 lbs and at my lowest I was 98.  That’s too much for a 5’7 girl.  I knew it but could not eat.  I could not sleep.  I was shaky.  I asked my doctor for an anti anxiety and a sleep aid.  I sought help from my church and went to Divorce Care.  That helped and let me know I wasn’t alone.  That was great.  I worked through my anger, grief, etc.  He never filed for divorce though.  I was waiting for him to do it on principle.  Confronted her at our health club.  I called her a dirty whore. On Oct. 31, 2014 he said he wanted to reconcile.  I agreed.  Continued therapy etc.  In January he decided he wanted to run for public office.  So of course I was the dutiful wife and supported him.  It was obviously hard to trust him after these past two years, so I still checked his phone and email and FB and phone records.  Nothing.  I was beginning to have hope again.  In June, ironically the same day I caught him and the first one two years before, I checked the phone records, there were 500 texts, 4 phone calls lasting over an hour to one number.  I called it.  A woman answered.  I asked her who she was and she hung up.  I called him and said again? Seriously? Again?  In the middle of the campaign?  Two weeks later my dad died.  I dealt with that and when I got back to town I asked him if he loved me and he said, “Well, I guess, but I’m really indifferent.  If you had a boyfriend and wanted to move in with him I would be like ok”.  WOW.  During this time I was praying to God on what to do and I kept hearing him telling me to wait.  So I did.  After praying about it and reaching my decision I told him I wanted a divorce and he had to move out.  I would continue the campaign but when it was over I would file for divorce.  He seemed surprised. 

He won the campaign.  I found out the next week that he had brought my girls to meet the woman from the texts etc.  I filed the next day.  The news covered it.  It was awful.

Fast forward to January 2016.  He was trying to get 7 and 7, split custody.  He wouldn’t agree to child support etc.  Finally he agreed to the custody schedule that I originally offered, as well as the support amounts.  After me spending 10k for him to argue over nothing.  He moved in with the latest girl so that when my daughters went to see him they each had their own room.  Then in May they broke up so back to his house.  Then two months later another woman moves in with him to help with the girls.  My house floods in August, so the girls have to live with them until October.  He and this woman are still living together.  She has come to parent teacher conferences, meet the teacher nights, is listed as their guardian on the school website, and is basically crossing a lot of boundaries.  I asked him not to have her come but he refused.  I had to file a contempt of court on him for those issues as well as others.  He responded by filing papers for 7 and 7 custody again and to remove the girls from their school and wants to move them to a Catholic school.  We are not Catholic.  These are still pending in court.  His parents are taking me to court saying they want to revoke a donation of land they gave both of us.  That’s still pending in court.  He filed criminal charges on me stating I stole files from his law office with the intent of helping another attorney start up a similar law practice.  That’s still pending in court.

I have learned a lot about life, myself, and purpose these past four years.  My gosh.  Four years. 

From Divorce Care I learned that I am blessed.  Some of these women in my group had escaped abuse and were living in their car.  I also learned that even though our situations were different, we all were experiencing the pain of divorce.  I learned that I have been guilty of judgment.  When a friend of mine a few years ago stayed with her husband who cheated, I loved her and supported her decision but I thought to myself “I would never stay with someone who cheated on me”.   That’s judgment.  I had to work through my anger but learn not to act in that anger.  I had to learn to forgive.  See, what I learned about forgiveness is that it doesn’t release that person from the wrong they did to you, but it releases you from the bitterness you feel about that wrong.  I learned that bitterness doesn’t hurt anyone but me.  AND you can’t have bitterness and thankfulness in your heart at the same time.  I didn’t want to be bitter and I’m not going to lie, it was hard most days to try to find something to be thankful for.  Once I was thankful my chicken laid me an egg.  Another time I was thankful my diet coke was so cold.  Whatever I could find, even the smallest thing, to keep me thinking thankful thoughts.

I started to feel regret for not leaving him in 2013, but I can look back now and appreciate the journey I had to go through.  I also can appreciate the “trial run” in 2013 because after those women I knew that I had done all I could to save my marriage, and his choices were his choices.  I learned I could not control him or his choices and I had to let that go.  Oh. I made some mistakes.  I was still so angry in Jan 2015 for the past two years that I decided to make a wee mistake of my own to see how it felt.  It felt nice to have attention from someone else.  But before it went to far I knew I could choose the road I wanted to take.  I could continue in sin to “get him back,” or make my decision to be loyal to my marriage and straighten myself up.  I did straighten up.  During these reconciliations I had found out he had gone on a couple of “dates” with a couple of other women but he didn’t see that as wrong since they did not turn into affairs.  During the last separation in 2015 I did talk to some people.  I realized my marriage was over, and to be honest it was over in 2013. 

I learned about myself that while I can forgive people, I cannot let them back into my life after a betrayal.  Now it’s me who is indifferent to him.  I can’t change the fact he’s a crappy father, but I can be the best mother I know how to be. 

It’s scary though, because the life as I know it is over and I have to start another one.  But it’s freeing, too.  I am still praying about going back to school to get my masters in social work so I can become a counselor.  I’m thinking I will.  There is still so much unknown: how the court stuff will come out; when will my house be finished; will I ever be blessed with real love from another human; do I matter?

Only time will tell, but I did realize I would rather die alone in my bed and let my cats eat my face off than be back with him.  When there is so much unknown, I try not to stress about it and focus on what is a FACT!!

FACT-    God loves me and He loves me even when I make mistakes.  It is not conditional.

FACT-    I’ve made mistakes but I have to give myself grace and just remember I was doing the best I could under less than ideal circumstances.

FACT-    I am blessed.  I just have to open my eyes and see the blessings God is trying to show me.

FACT-   I’ve learned that there are a lot of women here that are still married but wish they could have the courage to get a divorce.  There is a whole subculture of women who are unhappy in their marriage or with whatever and it is time instead of judging each other to support each other.  To just say the truth of how we feel.  About whatever.  And always, always know God is with us, we are never alone.